


What We Leave Behind

by MidnightOilDiary



Category: Elder Scrolls, Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim
Genre: Angst, Drama & Romance, Eventual Happy Ending, Illustrations, Original Character(s)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-01
Updated: 2021-02-01
Packaged: 2021-03-18 13:54:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,585
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29119302
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MidnightOilDiary/pseuds/MidnightOilDiary
Summary: At the end of "Fireflies," we left Simon "Jot" Sorenson in a pretty good place.  He’s grown up, he has steady work making shoes, and his friendship with Lucia looks poised to develop into something greater. More importantly, he knows that at some level Miki is still with him. However, he's still haunted by the past, and with the Old Life and New Life festivals at hand, Simon has to make some tough decisions about his future, and the future of those he cares about most.This is a short tale, which introduces some traditions that don't technically appear in Elder Scrolls canon, but don't appear to violate it either.  To lighten what's a fairly heavy narrative, we introduce Miri and Max, two teenagers in modern-day Skyrim, on a school field trip.  We'll be seeing them again!
Kudos: 1





	1. What We Hold Dear

**School Field Trip**

"Ooh, look at this," said Miri, pointing to another exhibit. Max turned away from the display of ancient armor and obediently followed Miri to a set of low table display cases. On a wall above the display cases was a sign reading, “Ordinary Lives: Relics of Riften’s Citizens.” He was puzzled by the contents of the first case: a set of tools here, a slipper there, metal fittings one might use on a fancy box. The tools and fittings were corroded with age, and the slipper barely recognizable. None of this struck him as terribly significant. A famous institution like the Cultural Museum of the Rift, Max thought, should be filled wall-to-wall with items of obvious importance. He expected to see ancient battle axes, shields, and siege engines, and while those displays abounded, what enchanted Miri seemed merely ordinary. 

Reading the artifacts’ labels, Max learned that the tools belonged to a shoemaker many centuries ago, and were unearthed at a site near the Riften Central Train Station. The owner was believed to have been a certain Simon Sorenson, who, based on fragmentary evidence, was thought to have married a young woman named Lucia more than one thousand years ago. _Oh, so_ that’s _what got her attention_ , he thought. "So, this Simon Sorenson, is he supposed to be that fellow from those Jot and Miki stories?"

"Some people really want to believe he is," replied Miri, "but nobody actually knows. It's fun to think about, though."

Max supposed it was, if you liked those stories as much as Miri did (Max liked them as well, though he would never admit it). "But what am I supposed to be seeing here?" he asked, pointing at the display. "What am I supposed to be thinking about?"

"Thinking? _You?_ " Miri grinned. "Well, anything you like, I guess," said Miri. "It's not really supposed to make you think anything, outside of 'here are some tools from long ago.' Maybe you could think about who used them, and why. Just think about it for a minute. If it doesn't hurt too much, I mean."

Max brushed aside Miri's smart remark. "So, just think?"

"Just think," said Miri. "But not for too long. Our coaches will be along soon." Miri, Max, and their classmates were traveling by motor coach to a hostel north of Riften later that day, returning home to Solitude the following morning.

Though Miri could be (and often was) an irritating know-it-all, Max knew that she had a very sharp mind, and could see things others might miss, so it was a good idea to pay attention. So Max pondered. Shoemaker's tools. Slipper. Box-fittings. _So what_ , Max thought. _Miri could gawp at things like this all day. She'd say things like, "Oh, maybe this Simon made a pair of slippers with these tools, and then put them in a box as a gift or something."_ But Miri didn't say that, Max noted. He'd come up with it on his own. _What else is there to think about?_ wondered Max, as he wandered into the unfamiliar territory of reverie.

* * *

**When Old Was New**

Simon removed Miki's brooch from the wall where it had been for years, and gingerly dusted the porcelain with a clean rag. Then he placed it in the pocket of his best coat. 

He felt like he was saying farewell all over again. 

Why did he not feel joy? He should, he thought. Tonight, on the Festival of Old Life, he would formally ask Lucia Dovahkiin, Daughter of the Dragonborn, for her hand in marriage, and present her with a valuable gift to express his resolution more concretely. It was traditional for betrothals to be finalized at the Festival of Old Life, the last day of the year. The next day, the New Life Festival, would mark the first year of the couple’s new life together, regardless of when the wedding ceremony was actually scheduled. 

His calling as a shoemaker did not allow him to buy an expensive gift like jewelry, and practical Lucia would have been disappointed if he even tried to. Instead, he made her a pair of slippers, as fancy as he could manage, with blue velvet uppers decorated with tiny glass beads, and soft quilted soles, perfect for wearing around the rooms they would take together. He’d spent weeks working on them, and was sure Lucia would love them. 

However, it was equally customary during the Old Life festival for people to cast away symbols of life they meant to leave behind, so they could face New Life unburdened by the past. It took a long time for Simon to decide what he could part with. Miki’s brooch: It was about half the size of Simon’s hand, with Miki’s likeness etched in porcelain and colorfully painted. Miki’s loving countenance looked back at him, just as it had, day and night, during his time in Honorhall Orphanage and his years of apprenticeship with Gunnar and Ingrid. The pain of Miki's absence had decreased over time, as everyone told him it would, but Simon still felt her presence, even after more than six years. The brooch would be very difficult to part with, but Simon had made up his mind. He had no right to expect Lucia to share in the burden he had borne alone for years. 

Miki was an elf. An In-Between Elf, she called herself, from the Summerset Isles. There, among the Thalmor ruling class, In-Betweens were the lowest of the low, the servants with the worst jobs, subject to disdain and random cruelty. She never knew her family, and knew nothing but misery until she found herself working for Thalmor Lord Iceni, a widower who needed someone to look after his younger children. Lord Iceni was an outspoken, devoted follower of Lady Mara’s message of love for all, and he treated Miki like one of his own children. The brooch had been his gift to her. However, his devotion made him a dangerous dissident in Thalmor circles, so after sending his older children abroad, he, his remaining children, and Miki fled Iceni manor for Cyrodiil. They were still in Cyrodiil when Lord Iceni sent Miki on to Skyrim on foot, carrying an important message to the Temple of Mara in Riften. 

Miki had made it as far as Falkreath when a much younger Simon, then working as a courier, agreed to accompany her on the remainder of her journey. Looking back, Simon couldn’t really understand why he’d agreed to such an undertaking. He was certainly under no obligation to go with Miki, and he was abandoning a job which at least kept a poor orphan boy from starving. But agree he did, and the next five days were burned in his memory forever. 

It was late afternoon in the workshop as Simon gave the slippers one last inspection. “Are they all ready, Jot?” he heard his master ask. Jot was Simon’s nickname most of his life, though his master Gunnar and his wife Ingrid were the only ones who still used it.

Simon turned to face Gunnar and Ingrid. “I think so, Uncle,” he said. “What do you think?”

Gunnar took the slippers and examined them with exaggerated concentration. “They’ll do, just about,” he said. 

“Oh, quiet, you!” said Ingrid with mock indignation. “They’re absolutely perfect, and Lucia’s sure to treasure them. What are you going to put them in?”

“Put them in?” Simon’s face fell. He hadn’t thought of that. 

“Of course you need a box to put them in! Where’s your thinking, boy?” Gunnar said, as Ingrid produced a dainty wooden box from behind her back. When Simon opened it, he saw that it contained a small pouch stuffed with sweet-smelling herbs. Thanking Gunnar and Ingrid, Simon placed the slippers in the box, and Ingrid tied it closed with fancy blue ribbon. 

“You’re all set to go now,” said Ingrid, smiling. “Now, don’t forget, it’s Old Life tonight. Do you remember your sentences?" Ingrid meant the rather stilted, formal language he and Lucia would have to use during their meeting. 

"Yes, Auntie. I spent all morning memorizing them."

"Good," said Ingrid, "and have you got something to cast away?”

“Yes, Auntie,” Simon replied. “I do. I do.”

In the gathering dusk, Simon walked slowly through town to the Riften marketplace to meet Lucia, fancy box under his arm, and Miki’s brooch in his pocket. Here and there workers had set up lanterns in preparations for the night’s festivities. Approaching the marketplace, Simon saw groups of people already assembling, mostly families with young children, eager to make an early start (and finish) to the festivities. The less inhibited revelers, Simon knew, would appear later. 

Finding their meeting spot at the western edge of the marketplace by the canal, Simon settled down to wait for Lucia. He was early; he knew better than to keep a lady waiting. Leaning against a rail, he watched as workers lit a tall, conical tower of multi-colored lanterns right in the middle of the marketplace. Their blinking lights reminded him of fireflies, somehow. Simon suddenly felt the weight of the brooch in his pocket. As an In-Between Elf, Miki possessed some modest magic, and fireflies had been Miki's friends. Somehow, she was able to summon them, and they would appear in spirals around her body, like a living lantern all around her. In his mind's eye, he could still see them, gently illuminating Miki's face in the night while she giggled and Simon gaped in wonder. 

Reproaching himself, Simon tried to come back to the present. He was Lucia's after all, and wanted to be more than anything. But still, in quiet moments, he found himself rewriting the past – if he had listened enough, acted quickly enough, could events have transpired any other way? He knew it was impossible to say, but thoughts like these, along with the guilt and loneliness, were difficult to quash. _A new life,_ Simon thought. _A new life without the burden of my old one._ He reached into his pocket, and held the brooch without taking it out. _It’s the right thing to do, for Lucia and for me._

Simon spotted Lucia approaching from the direction of Honorhall Orphanage, where she had served for several years, and where he himself had lived prior to his apprenticeship with Gunnar. She was wearing a dark blue quilted coat, which contrasted elegantly with her dark red hair. Simon and Lucia joined hands and greeted each other with a gentle bow; it certainly wouldn't do to embrace in public, no matter how much they wanted to. "Lucia," said Simon simply, using the words he memorized, "it warms my heart to see you tonight."

"It warms my heart as well," replied Lucia, continuing the script, "to walk with you on this night of Old Life and New Life, together to cast away that which we leave behind, and together to face the future. Let us first cast away the old, before we discuss the new."

"Let it be as you say," said Simon. "What have you to cast away?"

Lucia relaxed visibly; she could now speak more casually. "Only this," she said, removing an inexpensive chain from around her neck. Attached was a small pendant. "It's the Honorhall crest. See?" Simon inspected the pendant. "Lady Astrid gave it to me years ago, but she said since I've grown up, it really doesn't need to be part of me anymore." She balled up the chain and pendant in her fist, and with a small flourish, threw them into the canal, where they landed with a faint splash. "This I cast away," Lucia recited, "that I may step unshackled into New Life's Day." 

Lucia turned to look at Simon. "And what have you to cast away?"

Simon reached into his pocket and, gathering Miki's brooch in his hand, he found himself remembering the last day of their journey together. They were only hours from Riften, but desperately hungry and exhausted. Miki had the worst of it – her magic, minor though it was, cost her dearly, and without proper food and rest, she was near despair. It was then that Miki asked Simon for two promises: “First,” Miki said, “make sure the letter my Lord entrusted to me gets to the Priestess of Mara in Riften.” The second: "That you don’t forget me.” And with that, she pressed the brooch into Simon's hand. 

Priestess Balu got her letter, and Simon had kept the brooch ever since. Pulling it from his pocket, he thought: _I won't forget you, Miki. Not ever. But I have to live my life with Lucia now. I have to devote myself fully to her, and only to her. Wherever you are, I hope you understand that._

Simon held out the brooch for Lucia to see. "That's the brooch you put up over your workbench all those years ago, isn't it?" Simon nodded. "That's Miki, right? The one you never wanted to talk about?"

Simon simply said "yes," as he drew his arm back to toss the brooch into the canal. 

"This I cast away," said Simon, "that I may step unshackled into New Life's Day."

"Simon! Jot! **NO**!"


	2. What We Can Let Go

**All the Love You Can Muster**

“No, Simon!” Lucia cried. “Don't!” She grabbed Simon's raised arm with both hands, bringing it down. “Why, Simon?”

Simon looked down at Miki's brooch in his right hand, then back at Lucia. He felt confused and ashamed; their meeting wasn't supposed to go like this! “Lucia,” he said, “I am yours, wholly and only. I thought that, somehow, well, this brooch might come between us.”

“Simon, how could a picture of Miki come between us?”

“Do you know why I've kept this brooch all these years?” Simon asked. After all this time, gazing at the brooch could still fill him with melancholy. Whatever resolve he had just moments before had vanished. It would be impossible to cast the brooch away now.

“I do know,” said Lucia, “at least a little. Priestess Balu and Lady Astrid explained parts of the story over the years.” Lady Astrid was Lucia's mistress, who ran the Honorhall Orphanage and was currently busy opening another children's home in Whiterun. Lucia stepped closer to Simon, and looked up at his face. “Tell me,” she said. “Did you love Miki?”

Love? That was a difficult question. Simon had loved his parents. He'd loved his little sister. All of them gone, though he missed them every day. But Miki? He'd known her for all of five days.

Miki could certainly astonish. Before he set off from Falkreath to deliver messages to Whiterun and points in-between, Simon had been warned of a demon ravaging the countryside, someone who could burn down buildings with only her hands. He couldn’t believe the skinny elf he encountered east of Falkreath was a danger to anyone until the bundle of twigs she was holding burst into flame! It was a very minor magic power, she admitted, though it simplified building campfires.

More impressive was her feat two nights later, when, cornered by wolves, Miki managed to conjure a glowing, massive projection of herself, which sent the wolves howling in terror. That trick, she said, took a lot out of her, though Simon was certainly happy she managed it. Then she showed Simon her firefly trick, just for fun. “Does everything have to have a purpose?” she giggled.

And Miki could readily confound and exasperate. On the road to Riverwood, Simon relayed the details of his life, the loss of his parents, the plight of orphans in the land, the end of the war, and the friends he’d made or lost since he set out on his own. To his surprise, instead of sympathizing with Simon over his rotten luck, Miki spoke of how Lady Mara, the goddess of love, had extended her blessings to him in little ways: through friends made and kindnesses received. Simon wasn’t ready to believe her, but he had to admit she made him look at things differently.

During their journey together, difficult as it was, Miki spoke of love often. Love was a command of Lady Mara, she explained. Her devotion to her master and her determination to complete her mission were reflections of Mara's command, and of her blessings. Since Miki had walked all the way from northern Cyrodiil to Falkreath on her own, Simon could hardly question her dedication.

But he really couldn't understand why. As far as Simon could tell, Miki didn't have the slightest doubt about what she was saying, and somehow her certainty grated on him. At the end of their third day together, he wondered aloud how could he believe in, much less follow, Lady Mara's commands in a world where his sister could take sick in die in the middle of winter, where his parents could be murdered by bandits, and where one of his best friends starved or froze and nobody would tell him the truth about it? He instantly realized he should have kept his mouth shut, and his words sent Miki into a tearful rage. She ran off into a gathering dusk, and he only found her because she'd surrounded herself once again with her fireflies.

“It’s not a matter of what we can get, Jot,” Miki said softly in the dark. “Lady Mara wants us to love each other. It’s a matter of what we can do, what we can give, what kindness we can show.” Simon gathered her in his harms as she sobbed. “You and I both know bad things happen, but we still have to try to love one another, to be kind. The love’s the important thing, Jot. All the love you can muster.” Simon said he would try to do better. She believed him.

They soldiered on for two more days, exhaustion and hunger at their heels. Simon made Miki eat the last of their food herself, as her journey, lack of rest, hunger, and her modest magic had clearly taken their toll. It was then that Miki gave Simon her brooch, though he said he would return it to her in Riften, after they celebrated with a huge feast. After that, who knew? One thing Simon knew for sure, though: he didn’t want to be alone like he had been, ever again. He’d carry her to Riften, if that’s what it took.

Miki could love. Riften, their final destination, was only a couple of hours distant when the giant frostbite spider, a revolting creature that spat its venom, attacked them. Simon was able to push Miki out of the way of the spider's volley, but wound up taking most of it in the chest. As he writhed on the ground, an enraged Miki grabbed Simon's hunting knife and attacked the spider herself! Using the blade and some fiery magic, she managed to dispatch the monster, and staggered back to minister to Simon.

Simon was in a bad way, feeling as if he were freezing and burning to death at the same time. He was vaguely aware of Miki helping him out of his ruined vest and tunic, of Miki sidling up next to him. He tried to protest, not wanting Miki to spend any more magic trying to help him, but he couldn't get the words out. He remembered her hushing him, “I love you and you're going to be well.” He tried fruitlessly to respond. “All the love we can muster,” she said. She kissed him gently, and his agony gradually dissipated.

Those were the last words Simon ever heard Miki speak. He awoke the next morning feeling largely healed, but Miki lay next to him, unmoving. She had died during the night.

**Shedding the shackles**

“Simon?” Lucia’s voice brought him back to the present. “Are you there?”

“Yes,” Simon said. “Did I love Miki? Perhaps. If she had, I mean, if I had…” Simon stopped. “Yes! Yes, Lucia, I did love her. I do. I’m supposed to be yours alone, but it’s like she’s still with me somehow.”

“You did love her,” Lucia said. “And you still do. You act as if that’s a horrible thing. It isn’t, believe me.”

“I failed her, Lucia.” He felt tears welling up. “She gave everything she had to save me, until she had nothing left. She trusted me, and I failed her. Every time I look at this brooch, I remember her trust, her sweetness, and how I didn’t protect her.”

“Simon,” Lucia said. “All these years since then, living in the orphanage, working as a shoemaker with Gunnar and Ingrid, you’ve been punishing yourself? Did you ever think that, had you not appeared in Miki’s life, she wouldn’t have made it as far as she had? Without you, her message may not have been delivered at all!”

Lucia had a point, Simon thought. And in his head, he knew she was probably right, but knowing something in his head was the easy part. Knowing it in his heart was something else. “But,” Simon started.

“But nothing, Simon Sorenson,” Lucia said. “You did the best you could, and more than most would have managed. Nobody can ask for more than that. And your best friend didn’t freeze or starve, did she?” Lucia smiled. When people told him years before that Lucia had gone to live in the Dragonborn’s household, Simon thought they were lying. “Tell me, Simon, what would Miki want for you right now?”

What _would_ she want? Simon realized later that the answer appeared in his heart before his head. “She’d want me to be happy.”

“I think you knew that all along,” said Lucia, “or we wouldn’t be standing here now.”

Simon still held Miki’s brooch in his hand. Somehow, it seemed very warm, but very light. “But it’s still Old Life,” said Simon. “What should I cast away?” He pondered for a moment, and put the brooch back in his pocket. Leaning over the rail, he called out, “This I cast away, that I may step unshackled into New Life’s Day. Guilt, regret, begone from me and mine! Miki Full-of-Love, I know that’s what you would have wanted!”

Simon turned back to Lucia and smiled, feeling lighter and younger than he had in many months. “I’m going to keep the brooch,” he said, “but just to honor her memory.”

“I wouldn’t want it any other way,” Lucia said. “I honor Miki’s memory as well. After a fashion, she did bring us together, didn’t she?”

“I suppose she did, at that,” Simon said. “Thank you for stopping me.”

Lucia shook her head. “Please, let us speak of something else.”

“We still have one matter before us, don’t we?” said Simon, producing the box with the fancy ribbon. Lucia nodded. He knelt down on one knee. “Lucia Dovakiin,” Simon recited, holding up the box, “this I present to thee, that thou wouldst know my devotion.”

Lucia took the box and held it in both hands, and responded with formal language of her own. “Simon Sorenson, I see thy devotion plainly before me, and I am filled with gratitude. Wouldst thou speak further unto me?”

“I would,” said Simon. “Lucia Dovakiin, wouldst thou be mine, wholly and only, now and forever? Wouldst thou accompany me through life as I would accompany thee? Wouldst thou be willing to state this plainly before Lady Mara, and before the people?”

“I would,” said Lucia. “As thou hast asked, I would. I will be thy wife.”

Simon stood, and bowed slightly to Lucia. “Thou hast my gratitude, and my life.” The recitation of formal words was over. “I can’t begin to describe how happy you’ve made me,” he said. Gesturing to the box in Lucia’s hands, he said, “go ahead and open it.”

Lucia opened the box and gasped. “So lovely!” she exclaimed. “These are absolutely beautiful!” She turned to face him, and he put his arms around her, all thoughts of protocol forgotten. They sat down on a bench near the railing, watching the growing crowd of revelers. Presently, Gunnar and Ingrid arrived with a large bottle of Surilie Brothers Wine and four glasses. “Been saving this one,” said Gunnar. “I can’t think of a better time to open it!”

Gunnar and Ingrid toasted Simon and Lucia. Simon and Lucia toasted Gunnar and Ingrid. The men toasted the women. The women toasted the men. By the time the bottle was empty, everyone in the market place was singing, and Simon felt like they were all singing just for them. And maybe they were. Somehow, word spread through the crowd that the shoemaker’s apprentice and the young woman from the orphanage had become engaged, and Simon and Lucia found themselves accepting congratulations from people they didn’t even know! By the time they retired for the evening, the crowd was launching paper lanterns into the air and watching them sail into the night, though to this day, some folks insist they saw fireflies surrounding the happy couple.

* * *

**Max Returns**

“Max? Are you there?” Max was jolted back to reality by a tug on his shirtsleeve. “The coaches are waiting outside,” said Miri. “It’s time to go.”

“Oh, yes. Sure.” Max walked beside Miri to the museum’s Grand Atrium. The motor coaches would be just outside, Thorne School for Boys on the left, and Holy Kynareth Girl’s Prep on the right. “Miri,” said Max, “do you think fireflies come out this time of year?”

“Fireflies?” said Miri, puzzled. “What are you talking about?”

“Just wondering,” said Max. “It’s not important.”

“The random things you bring up sometimes,” said Miri, leaving the sentence dangling.

 _I’ve just said something stupid_ _,_ thought Max. _Again. She must think I’m the biggest idiot._ But as they left the Grand Atrium, didn’t Max’s right hand brush Miri’s left? And didn’t he feel, just for an instant, Miri gently grabbing one of his fingers? He was sure of it, but when he turned to look, Miri was scampering aboard her motor coach.

Max managed to find a window seat on his school’s motor coach. Looking out, he spotted Miri on hers, talking to somebody he couldn’t see. _I wonder what I’ll give up for Old Life this year_ , thought Max. That wasn’t a decision he had to make right away, but he knew there were some things he’d always keep, as long as he had the power not to let go.

* * *

## About the Illustrations

Most of the illustrations in this post are screenshots taken while playing [Skyrim, Special Edition](https://elderscrolls.bethesda.net/en/skyrim?) (SSE), and edited using [Paint.Net](https://www.getpaint.net/). My installation of SSE is pretty heavily modded (as most readers’ installs probably are!). The following mods are relevant to the screenshots:

  * The ENB preset that adds mood to the screenshots is **[PRT – PhotoRealistic Tamriel](https://www.nexusmods.com/skyrimspecialedition/mods/4743)** by L00.
  * Weather effects were added via **[Dolomite Weathers – Natural Lighting Vivid Atmospherics II](https://www.nexusmods.com/skyrimspecialedition/mods/7895) **by Dr Mega and Kojak747.
  * Jot/Simon, Lucia, and Miki were created using the Young Nord race, which is part of **[Enhanced Character Edit](https://www.nexusmods.com/skyrimspecialedition/mods/12302/)** , (ECE) by the ECE team.
  * Jot/Simon’s, Miki’s and Lucia’s hairstyles come from **[ApachiiSkyHair SSE](https://www.nexusmods.com/skyrimspecialedition/mods/2014) **by Apachii.
  * Jot/Simon’s, Miki’s and Lucia’s accessories come from **[Bandolier – Bags and Pouches Classic](https://www.nexusmods.com/skyrimspecialedition/mods/2417) **by Dragten.
  * Poses, when used, are from **[Simple Actions](https://www.nexusmods.com/skyrimspecialedition/mods/10489)** by BralorMarr
  * The Lantern Launch toward the end of the story is by [**Abby Kihano from Pexels**](https://www.pexels.com/photo/bright-celebration-crowd-dark-431722/), a terrific stock photo site that’s always worth a look!



If it looks like I missed something, please let me know so I can credit the modders properly!

  
  



End file.
